Monthly Archives: March 2014

I’m A Big Kid Now

Image            So, birthdays. They’re just self-centered excuses for us to dedicate a day to ourselves. (As if every day of our life isn’t already doing that) So, we expect all our fair weather Facebook friends to post the hollow, obligatory, well wishes on our wall. We expect birds to help us dress in the morning, everyone to bow before our birth, and all other unreasonable dreams to come true. That being said, yesterday was my birthday. Like most other women, I adopted the I-Don’t-Care-What-We-Do-Wait-No-Not-That attitude. The older I get, I understand that birthdays become less important- but no matter how grand it is, I’m always left with the feeling it’s supposed to be bigger, badder, better. Nevertheless, considering it was the first birthday I didn’t have an emotional Peter Pan I-Don’t-Wanna-Grow-Up moment, it was pretty successful. So, in the theme of acting like a pretentious know it all (which I am), I’d like to share 19 things I’ve learned over the last 19 years.

1. You can’t always get what you want (to be sung in Rolling Stones fashion) Message to myself and the world: You’re spoiled, get a job and get over yourself.

2. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need (Also to be sung like the Stones) I started college with the intent to teach in the future. I liked the idea of it and still do. But since then, I realized what I really wanted to do is Law. Why didn’t I think about it before? Because I’ve been underestimating myself all these years. “Lawyers are rich people that go to Harvard” –stupid thought I used to have. With the risk of contradicting my number one, there are some things you can afford to work for that will pay off.

3. People are mean

If you know yourself at all, you know this one is true. The rude thought I just had about the Mexican man shoes the girl next to me is wearing proves this. We hate to be teased but we love to tease. Woe is man.

4. Moderation matters

Cake is good. You won’t see me posting passive aggressive subtweets toward cake. But eating 5 pieces of cake in one sitting? You’re single handedly keeping the cardiovascular disease treatment industry alive. You can have your cake and eat (small portions of) it too.

5. Secrets don’t make friends (unless they keep people from being hurt)

We all know them, those people who always have the scoop on everything. People who religiously use the phrase “I’m just being honest” undoubtedly enjoy telling you what’s what under the guise of honesty. If you can’t think of anyone like this, it’s you. People might like to hear shocking secrets about other people from you but you can bet your deceptive little mouth they won’t be telling you anything important to them.

6. Stranger danger

Yes, smiling and greeting strangers in public may get you some funny looks but wearing your most unapproachable stink eye face will definitely enhance your chances of getting beat up in the Walmart parking lot. So be good for goodness sake! (Santa Clause is coming to town so watch out)

           

7. Return your grocery cart in the parking lot

Unless you are physically impaired, there’s no acceptable excuse for why you can’t walk the 20 feet to the nearest cart corral. WWJD?

8. Cook dinner at home

You can eat more, be healthier, and have more money in your pocket. If any of those sound like a con, I know a good therapist you can see.

9. Go to college

I understand that some people aren’t “college people”, but I dare you to find someone who took a few semesters to take some basic courses who says they don’t use any of it today. I double dog dare you.

10. Send letters

You know you love getting them, so take the time to send them. They don’t have to be Pilgrim’s Progress length to get the job done. A simple, “Hey look at this unflattering doodle I drew of my dreary Philosophy professor yesterday. I miss you!” will do.

11. Read a different book each month

It’s impossible for reading books to make you stupid. Read more books and you’ll find yourself winning more arguments. (The more you know the more you get to school people)

12. Watch the news

Yes, it’s depressing. Yes, it will make you paranoid. Yes, it will make you a well-informed contribution to the world. (Just do it)

13. Go to town meetings

These things are like they’re depicted in Gilmore Girls, except with less silliness and more drama than the whole of MTV can contain. Bring some popcorn, sit in the back, and it’s a free dinner and a show.

14. Smile and thank people who accidentally mess up your food order

We all know that feeling of victory when your food comes towards you. We also know the feeling when your steak is overcooked, there are unwanted pickles on your burger, or you get potatoes instead of fries. But it really makes you feel better when you’re gracious and understanding when an establishment that serves hundreds of meals a day makes an error. Move on! Eat your fries!

15. Journal

NONE OF US ARE CONSISTENT ENOUGH TO KEEP A DAILY JOURNAL. Now that that’s out of the way, Future You will thank you for the laughs when they run across the angrily scrawled note you wrote to yourself after getting a flat tire- in the rain.

16. Think first, speak later

I was wacked out mad at my English professor because of a grading error and wrote a steamed interview on the Rate My Professor website. When I went to class, he had corrected the error and complimented my writing. Shame ensued.

17. Some people will never be nice

You can’t be everyone’s friend. There are a lot of people who will never like you. Don’t take it so hard! Haters gon’ hate. Wipe the sweat off your forehead and eat some Oreos.

18. Take less pictures

While I really appreciate capturing special moments, it’s a shame to only remember the way it looked through my camera lens.

19. Sing…..a lot

Whether you’re Celine Dion or Cee Lo Green, singing releases endorphins- just like eating chocolate, without the calories. Do a deer, a female deer, re a drop of golden sun…..

I am 19, going on Too Old (to be sung in Sound of Music fashion)

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They Say, I Say

             Have you ever had a class where you would leave with a constant rotation of confused “What the heck?”-like phrases running through your head? Because I need only look back on my 8 o’clock class to remember this week’s biggest “What is the world coming to?” moment. Sorry to confirm some of the stereotypes but going to a community college does entail a lot of stupidity. The amount of people who think “library” is synonymous with “nap room” or “crank my tunes room” is pretty reflective of modern American education. So in my Speech class, which I actually really love because I’m that one annoying girl who always volunteers to present first, there are some interesting characters.

We have the meatheads, my affectionate name for gym buffs (buff, no pun intended), who without fail will always be drinking a wheatgrass protein shake or eating a granola bar (more like grossola bar). Then there’s the one outspoken opinion-on-everything guy. Don’t even get me started on the my-muscles-are-always-sore-let-me-make-you-feel-guilty-for-not-working-out-ever girl who sits next to me. NO I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I CAN BENCH PRESS and YES IT WOULD TAKE ME THREE DAYS TO RUN A MILE. Sheesh. And then there’s my professor. Like I already said, I really love this class. I feel the most comfortable here and I’m rarely tempted to sleep even though it’s 8 am. That being said, imagine a sailor. No, a pirate. A sailor turned pirate who did hard time in prison for, I don’t know, stabbing some lady with a knife. He gets out of prison and meets up with his bros (brethren?), how do you imagine he talks? Does imaginary pirate felon use greet his friends with “Hip hip cheerio!” or does he use more choice words? What you imagine his vocabulary to be like, that is near what my Speech teacher’s is like.

Now I know what you’re thinking (channeling my inner Professor Xavier)! She’s a speech teacher, she shouldn’t talk like a sailor/pirate/stabber/felon. Ah, but the world is changing my friends. All words are now fair game. So today our class discussion was on the delightful subject of language. Or as I have dubbed it, Show How Gansgsta (sorry mom) You Are Day. I wonder how many swear words Jane Austen heard in her life. Because though I may never near her achievements in anything else, I am fairly certain I have passed her up in that respect. Do I have more street cred? Probably not.

People swear, I get it. And most people will disagree with me when I say this. There are other more efficient ways to let people know how you feel.  I’ve learned that “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is more accurately written, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but certain words will always make me blush.”

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Ready, Set, Wait a Second

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Even to the best of us, even to those of us who are dating, (hate you) or are married (hate you most), we feel lonely. I can speak from experience because approximately 6 minutes ago I was lying facedown on my floor chanting, “Why doesn’t anyone want me.” This is a prime example of wanting to be wanted but not wanting to want. If I haven’t lost you yet, if you’ve been able to keep up with my borderline psychotic thought process, I ask you to please not call a depression hotline on me or anything. It’s just one of your run of the mill sad days that requires a little pointless wallowing.

It’s easy to sing “Someday my prince will come” but much harder to wait without waiting. By wait without waiting I mean to live your life without secretly hoping and waiting for someone to notice and love you and make it all worthwhile. Excuse me while I break this record, but contrary to popular belief, the best days of your life don’t have to involve a significant other. Sure, it’s some people’s destiny to fall in love at 14 and get hitched at 20 but just because that’s where they find their bliss doesn’t mean you’ll find yours there. We have to learn to look at our future spouse as a missing piece to the 1000 piece puzzle instead of half of the entire puzzle. He won’t complete you. She won’t make you a better person.

Being in a relationship so you can feel complete is the supreme form of selfishness. Being single doesn’t mean you have to hate Valentine’s Day, tweet passive aggressive comments about couples, or watch P.S. I Love You while eating an entire pack of Oreo’s (it was just one time, ok). But it does mean you have to grow up a lot quicker. Personally, I’m almost 19 and I have my eye on a month long tour of Europe next summer. Would it be nice to have an American arm candy man along with me? Probably. Would it be equally as nice to see the European sights with a group of new exciting people? Definitely.

It’s not a race! And even if it was, everyone doesn’t run at the same pace. We can’t all come in first. Some people’s adventure of choice is marriage-and it truly is an adventure. But before you look at what you have and compare it to what they have, remember, adventures come in all shapes and sizes (like people). Just because yours isn’t like someone else’s it doesn’t make it any less right.  

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